How to talk to girls (or guys)

Well, I say how to talk to girls (or guys) but this applies to talking to anyone for the point of romantic interest. Doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman, looking for a man or a woman; we're all human beings, our brains are made the same way, so the rules are pretty much exactly the same.

Let's get into it. I assume you've read the previous two articles on where to meet and how to approach? Good! So in our hypothetical situation, Joe and approached Jane in a very non-threatening way and offset her defensive systems with a time deflection. If you don't get that sentence, you really should skim through the how to approacharticle first. Done it now? For real this time? Good!

How to stand (or sit) when talking

Use your imagination for this bit: Let's pretend you're a woman in this scenario. Picture yourself (as a woman) standing at the vegetable isle of a supermarket, looking for the best-looking tomato to buy. A fairly normal looking guy approaches you and starts talking. Now imagine him facing directly towards you when he talks, then imagine him facing the tomatos and looking at them as he's talking. How do you feel differently?

In the first case, it is clear he is there to talk to you. That puts pressure on you to engage him. The pressure is not pleasant, is it? In the second case, there is less pressure to engage, and you feel more relaxed. Now replay the same situation if you were sitting down, perhaps at a bus stop. If the guy stands in front of you, facing you as he talks, how does it feel? Would you feel less confronted if he was sitting on a bench, facing the same way as you?

This boils down to an innate body language signal; facing towards one another signifies competition, facing the same way as each other signifies you are both on the same team.

How to open a conversation

It is (in my opinion) far too difficult to approach a stranger and have it lead into a genuine, interesting conversation - especially if you have romance on the cards. The easiest way to start a converation is to open it up the second time you meet - not the first time. But how is this possible? You don't know you'll meet again unless you arrange it! This is the logical flaw that keeps so many of us from opening up new relationships. Envisage this scenario:

Joe spots Jane nearby on the beach, sitting and applying some sunblock, and a brilliant plan crosses his mind. He approaches Jane and follows all the NLP seduction rules. He squats down next to her (facing the same way she is) and subtley touches the back of his wrist then points in the direction he was going (this gives her the impression he is in a hurry and won't stay long). Joe asks her if could borrow a tiny bit of sunblock as his ears are burning - of course she will say yes and lend him some.

Note: When someone does you a favour, you thank them and move on. They are then primed as having had a positive interaction with you, and they are then much more likely to do further favours and react well to your presence in future. This is scientifically proven, first discovered by Ben Franklin, and works a treat in these situations.

Joe thanks her, maybe he makes a minor joke, then moves on. Bang! Jane is primed as having had a positive interaction with this man. He was not a threat, he was pleasant, and he didn't hold her hostage at gunpoint. Win win win.

Fifteen minutes later, Joe returns and starts up a genuine conversation by doing one of the following:

1. Asking for advice about a dilemma (a friend of mine usually says he is trying to buy a shirt as a present for his friend, but isn't sure what size she is - either 10 or 12. Should he buy a 10 or a 12? Either one risks insulting his friend.)
2. Asking a genuine question about something that is not mundane, but thought-provoking. Everyone likes to be challenged. For example, you wouldn't ask someone whether they think you should go for a swim or not, as that is inane. Whatever you ask or talk about, ask yourself is it something that you would like to talk about if you were talking to your best friend on a long car journey?

How to keep a conversation going

One trick I use when I'm feeling tired, is to use the Question Comment Joke formula.

1. Ask a relevant, thought-provoking, challenging, open-ended question
2. Make a relevant, interesting comment
3. Make a joke about the topic at hand
4. Go to step 1

For example:

Joe: <QUESTION> Do you think time goes faster as you get older? Like when you were little, years seemed to drag on.

Jane: Yeah for sure. When you're five, a year is a fifth of your existence, but when you're fifty, it's just a fiftieth, relatively speaking.

Joe: <COMMENT> It might have something to do with the size of the person.

Jane: Maybe, but how could you test it?

Joe: Hmm, maybe if we had a time machine. Do you happen to have a time machine?

Jane: Not on me right now.

Jane: <JOKE> Well if you invent one, come back to right now so we can test this. (Looks around expectantly).

Jane: Haha, oh well, looks like I don't ever invent a time machine!

Joe: Maybe you do but it only goes forwards. <QUESTION> Do you think it would be possible for humans ever to time travel backwards?

Jane: Maybe, but you would think that someone from the future would have come back through time and told us about it by now.

Joe: <COMMENT> Yeah, it's pretty safe to say nobody ever invents a time machine - unless the multiverse theory is true.

Jane: It's probably the only way time travel could work, otherwise there would be paradoxes.

Joe: <JOKE> True. Actually, I tell a lie, because I invented a time travel machine that actually works.

Jane: Oh really?

Joe: Yes, but it can only travel forward in time at a rate of one second per second.

This pattern, Question Comment Joke, gets easier and easier with practice. Practice on a friend without them knowing. See how long you can keep the conversation alive for. Remember only follow this pattern to cover lulls in the conversation. After a few rounds of this, it is likely you will return to the flow and get engaged in the conversation again.

Help! I lack the confidence to just talk to strangers!

You're not the only one! Read how you can gain confidence using NLP.