How to Approach

It's hard to know how to approach someone, especially when they are a stranger and you are worried about rejection. The key is (as a friend of mine so eloquently put it) pick up your balls and just do it. But to approach someone is one thing, to approach someone in an interesting, non-threatening manner is another.

Picture this. Joe sees Jane for the first time, she is sitting at a cafe table by herself. Let's say they are both single, Joe considers himself to be a "6" on the scale of 1 to 10, and Jane considers herself to be an "8". Joe thinks she looks nice and wants to approach her. He's approached women before, but it always takes that little bit of courage each time. He overcomes that mental barrier and walks up to her and asks if the other seat is taken.

What is going to happen in Jane's mind? It is more than likely that this strange man is interested in her romantically. She will have just half a second to look at the man, make a judgement about him based on his appearance, and decide whether or not it is worth interrupting what she was doing for an unknown amount of time while this man talks to her.

It is likely that Jane will say no, usually by telling a white like as to not hurt Joe's feelings - something like "Sorry, my friend will be here soon." That is going to be the end of all possibilities as far as Joe is concerned.

So what mistake did Joe make? In my opinion, he made many. First of all, he pressured her into making a snap decision at first glance. The default answer is always going to be no, even if you are Brad Pitt's more handsome brother. This is the same for men and women (despite what men may think). It is an evolutionary trait that we are by default cautious of strangers, as they may be threats.

On the scale of one to infinity, this rule is RED HOT. Sorry about that analogy but I want the rule of "not being a threat" to stick stick in your mind. Appearing to be a threat is the surest way to guarantee you won't be successful in the quest for romantic liason. "But girls love bad guys!" I hear you crying. I assure you that any "bad guy" was at least non-threatening when he met the girl who apparently loves him.

Here is a list of things people don't like:

1. Being judged.

If you're sitting at a cafe, and someone comes up to you all confident, like they know best, with a serious look on their face and standing over you, this is a threat. Whether you believe in evolution or you're still under the belief that we're not just clever monkeys who can talk, it doesn't matter: This person is showing dominance, and therefore is threatening us. Anything we are likely to say with any real semblance of our true beliefs, any revelations of our true selves, will be met with judgement, and we don't want that. So we respond by stoically making that threat go away.

How do I appear non-threatening?

1. Smile, showing your teeth
2. Stand slightly side on (not directly facing)
3. Show your palms
4. Don't take yourself too seriously
5. Act like you aren't going to be staying for long

A time deflection is when you make it clear you're not going to be sticking around for more than a minute. What Joe should have said is "Hey, I'm just leaving, but can I quickly ask you for your opinion on something?" Immediately, Jane knows that no matter what she says, this guy is not going to stay for very long. Plus, she is going to intrigued at why this stranger wants her opinion on something. And the grand slam is that it doesn't look like he's trying to romantically engage her.

Another form of time deflection is not verbal, but physical. This is when you barely stop moving while talking, then come back later. For example, if Joe had walked past her table, and asked "Oh, I was going to order that, is it good here?" - clearly slowing down only just enough to hear her response. If she looks up confusingly, Joe could add a small joke so that he was clearly not a threat, for example, he could add "Don't worry, if it's terrible, I won't tell them you said it!" or if she replies with a positive response, he could shoot back "Great! And if you're wrong, I'll kill you!" Actually, that won't go down well at all. Don't do that.

I'll cover more in the next section: